Divorce is a turbulent time for everyone involved, especially children. In the first two years after a divorce, kids are more likely to experience distress, anger, anxiety and academic problems.
They may also engage in disruptive behaviors, substance use and other risky activities. However, many children adapt to new routines and become comfortable with their new living arrangements after a year or two.
Long-term studies show that children of divorce can become well-adjusted adults if they have at least one loving parent committed to their well-being. Staying together solely for them isn’t always the best long-term solution.
How parents talk about their divorce is crucial
Communicating with care and honesty is essential. Here are key points to keep in mind when telling your kids about the end of your marriage:
- Be honest: Let them know what’s happening when the decision is final. Secrecy can cause more damage than the truth.
- Choose the right time: Find a moment when no one is tired, hungry or rushing away to have this important conversation.
- Keep it simple and practical: Focus on the details of the new living arrangements and reassure them that both parents will remain involved in their lives.
- Avoid blame: This is not the time to explain reasons or assign fault. Keep the discussion focused on what will happen next.
- Reassure continuity: Emphasize that both parents will continue to love and care for them.
- Monitor for self-blame: Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault.
How many details you share may vary depending on their ages. Younger children need simple explanations, while older kids may need more details. Always be patient and ready to answer their questions honestly.
Charting a post-divorce parenting plan
Successful co-parenting requires effort and flexibility. Here are some dos and don’ts for parents moving into this new chapter:
Do:
- Maintain routines: Consistent care reassures your child that their world remains safe and predictable.
- Be patient: Understand that emotions will run high. Be patient with yourself and your ex-partner.
- Apologize when necessary: If you or your co-parent become upset in front of your child, apologize and explain that change is difficult for everyone.
- Stay positive: Reassure your child that, with time, things will settle down and you will find a new normal.
- Express gratitude: Remind yourself and your child of all that you have to be grateful for.
Don’t:
- Burden your child: Avoid sharing your anger, worries or issues with their other parent. Save those conversations for friends or a therapist.
- Disrupt their lives: Try to keep changes to a minimum and maintain familiar routines.
- Disparage the other parent: Speak respectfully about your ex to help your child feel secure and loved.
Divorce is a challenging time, but with careful planning and a commitment to positive parenting, children can emerge resilient and well-adjusted. They can thrive with strong, loving parents to support them through the transition.